Life, and how it interferes with living….
0So I sit in my shithouse of an office, listening to my newly hired housecleaners (a.k.a. angels in sweats) and wonder how I got to this point. How did I let the rest of 2008 just go unnoticed? How could I possibly allow myself to let the ENTIRE last 6 1/2 months of the year just blow away like a fart in a whirlwind, going unwritten, not even a “Hey! We’re still here but ya, gotta jet…”? How?
Life. The mass amounts of shit that consume our everyday existence. The inability to give in, let go….and I tain’t gonna say “let God” for all you thumpers in the room. Wait, let me roll back a few frames. For those who don’t know me personally, I am a Type A personality. I must do things my way, all the way, any day. I never give up. I never ask for help. I never admit defeat. Hell, I can’t even admit the stomach flu! But something happened during those first couple of days of 2009. I realized something, an epiphany of sorts if you will. First, 2008 was a very odd, odd year. I allowed myself to be swayed by people who seemed genuinely interested in my abilities, yet mistook my kindness for weakness. And I almost got taken. But I didn’t. That’s the key. Second, I put many others before myself, making sure all were taken care of, fed, had enough for themselves and their families. While my family ALWAYS, ALWAYS is my #1 priority, I never made myself #2. Hell, I don’t even think I made the Top 20. Third, there was a car accident, injuries, illnesses…a full vat of personal wretchedness. Fourth, I just can’t give up control. I hold the reins tightly. My hands will bleed before I admit defeat. Well, guess what. I’ve been taken from the dark side and not willingly. During my months long “intervention”, I was told by those who love me that I need to give up the juice and allow others to help me. What was the drug for which I had to give up? Yes, I finally had to admit that I’m a control, “I can do everything and STILL write” out and out freak. I had to hire a housecleaner. But I can do everything, right? I CAN clean the house, run the dog, train for races, work in Jack’s class, do the laundry, make home-cooked meals, shop for the household, coach little league, host parties and pack for a 3-day motorcycle adventure. I CAN! I CAN! I CAN! No, Sandy, you can’t. Those who are of the same alphabetical ilk know how hard it is to wave the white flag. I have failed. My family? Nah. They were the major cheerleaders in this “give something up, dammit” rally. Terry reads the blog over and over, pressuring me daily to just start writing again! I guess I have failed the image I’ve had of myself for, well, my entire existence. Never admit defeat. But asking for help is NOT admitting defeat. In fact, not asking for help is inserting defeat in another part of your life. Not being able to do what I love injects negativity into my family. Always playing catch-up means never moving forward. I don’t want a dark cloud hovering as part of my ensemble. I know gray is in, but…
And I must move forward. We all must move forward. Existing is not an option. Admitting I can do it ALL is existing. There is no room for improvement, only a set-up for failure. Failure may not happen today or next week, but it will happen. And maybe then it will be too late. One should never live according to what may never happen. So I had to choose to change and now. I don’t want another low year. More peaks than valleys, right?
So here we all are, once again. How ARE you doing? How have you been? What’s new? I can tell you what’s old. The next several entries will recap some of the highlights from the last 6 1/2 months of 2008. They are news worthy and they need to be written. Some of the verbal details may be lost, but I promise you a full return of the Adventure Trio. It needs to be written. It needs to be shared. And I need to enjoy giving up at least one of my chores…but I refuse to hire and gardener.
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